Listening to: my IPod
Reading: raisedbynarcissists on reddit
Playing: Pokemon Moon
Eating: Christmas food
I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, wherever you are! Or, if you don't celebrate christmas, I wish you happy Holidays!
Aside from that, we are pretty close to the end of this year, and when I look back at 2016, it can really go and die in a fire. While I was able to move out around April of 2016, I already lost my supporting job in September, which really put a dent in my already barely-existent self-confidence.
The worst feeling of all is that I seem to have drifted apart from everyone and secluded myself when what I really crave is connection.
I want my life to move forward, but I don't know into which direction. I wanted to make a PhD, but heck, we see how that went, so I am afraid now to try again. So afraid of failure that it paralyzes me. While I know that I need and have to try again, I don't know how to overcome this paralysis. Or how to overcome my dark thoughts, which include thoughts of suicide as well - and maybe these would be better kept in secret, but I am tired of keeping all of this inside me. If I do that any longer, I will drown for sure.
The biggest decision that I had to face and which I still wasn't able to resolve is the thing about Canada... I could go back to Vancouver and make my PhD there, but that would mean moving away 6000 kilometres for 3-4 years. I feel so much obligation for so many people to just up and leave though. While it is my biggest wish to just GO, I feel bound. I can't leave my brother with my NPD-disordered mother. I think of it as my obligation to be there for him - which I can't be when I am 6000 kilometres away in Canada. If something happened to my brother in Germany, I wouldn't know how to live with it.
Also, my grandmother.. and the fucked up situation I describe down below. I feel like I can't leave her either.
I don't know what to do. I have already shed so many tears, and just thinking of this decision I have to face is bringing new tears to my eyes again. I don't know how to decide, and what would speak for going or against it. What would be the logical thing to do? Or is it better to follow my heart?
Or is what seems to be "obligation" to me just an excuse to run away and give up my dreams?
My heart has been broken over this for a duration of months, and I can't seem to find the answer. Time is running out anyway. If I can't provide the documents to the University in Vancouver by the end of February, I will have missed my chance anyhow.
What also has been crazy in this year is my situation with my extended family. My mother plans on sueing my grandmother for half of her house and plans on kicking out my grandmother and above all, my uncle who lives with my grandmother. My mum hates my uncle and wishes to destroy him in any way she can. So yeah... 2017 will be a rough start for sure when I am reminded of this situation...
If I can utter some wishes I have for the next year though, it would be these:
I want to finally find my place in this crazy world.
I want to have a job I like and that I can feel secure in.
I want to finally learn to love myself.
I am really thankful for each and everyone of you who has listened to me so far and has stayed by my side. It means so much to me that you are willing to be there for me when I need it.
What is it that you hope for in the next year?