Goodbye, my furry brother

I just don't know how to feel any more... I am just depressed and don't even want to do anything now, and all i can think of is how much I hate death and that if I could give him a single day more to live in exchange for my life, I would gladly do it.
I wanted to see him again when I come back. Sure, I knew that he was old when I left, with him being 16 and a half years old, but I was so sure that I would see him again once I come back from Canada. This is why, when I was told to say goodbye to him before I went on the plane to Canada, I still shoved the thought of his possible death away from my mind. Naaah, impossible, I thought, he is such a strong dog, he will f*cking make it until I come back.

He loves snow, and if he were here with me now, he would love to eat it all. Or eat Spekulatius, those german christmas cookies. And he would whine all night and everbody would want him to shut up, but to me now, he would be allowed to do it all night long and I wouldn't mind. He could do anything he wants, as long as it means he is still alive.
I got him when I was 9 years old, in 1998. After all these years, of course he is more like a brother to me than just a dog. Like some kind of furry brother. I can't imagine a life without him.


And so it turns out that this is the last photo taken of us together.
Max will have to be put down sometime this week to spare him the pain; it seems he has some form of cancer, with cysts having appeared on his body, and painful wounds that will not stop oozing. I know it is better to put him down rather than to make him suffer until he dies a natural death. It doesn't make it easier to say goodbye, especially from afar. I wish I could teleport. I just wish I could touch his soft fur again and sniff his scent.

It is cruel how when we get older, we have to watch the ones we love die, and it doesn't get better. Of course death is an inevitability, when even stars and galaxies die eventually. We all have to move on and go to our next life experience and for this we have to die.
I will just terribly miss him in this life.





For now, it just rips my heart apart.